25 October, 2005

Forgive me

Well, the day after the "hurricane" things are nice. Nice and cool

I must say, I'm enjoying my suspension, probably a lot more than I should. Ha! That'll teach 'em to suspend me from work! I know that with every passing day I become more and more cemented in my leaving of AMC. It's just not looking too bright. I cannot work at place where when I do my job, I get in trouble. I won't work where when i get sick, they suspend me. I'm gone. New job cemented, I will let Mr. Ennis know how much his people skills fucking suck! And I look forward to it. Every last syllable.


My senior year is going really good, I'm getting my GPA up to a 3.0 and I'm proud. Of course the whole AP and honors classes will help a great deal with that.
I've gotten applications to Stetson and Rollins. I'm going to try to go to Stetson on a vocal scholarship.
I do wish that I could've had four years of musical theatre. But I can't. I'm not giving up my position in my AP english class for Mr. V. I've worked too hard. I enjoy that class too much. Any class where I can talk about Lewis Carroll and the Jabberwock, then turn around and put together a power point about translation is the class for me. I love it. I'm being challenged. Finally.

Chris and I's two year mark creeps closer everyday. I can't wait. I really can't. I am really happy to have finally found some one who I can be serious with, and then laugh for hours about the way he says "burrito" I love talking about movies with him, I laugh until I'm sore, then we laugh more. The time I spend with him is priceless. The feeling I get from when he puts his arms around me and kisses my head, I've never had before. I enjoy just being near that man. I'm so lucky to have gone through all of those shit heads, so now I can really enjoy Chris. The one man who doesn't want to hurt me.


I was insulted today. Called a witch in the worse way. I was compaired to the steriotypical witch, when I desided to share with my friend that I was goind to jump the broom with Chris and some little girl with the intellegence God gave a gnat, made some remark about witches. And as she tried to apologize she only dug herself into a deeper whole of insults. How nice. I feel special.


"All our lives get complicated
Search for pleasure's overrated
Never armed our souls
For what the future would hold
we were innocent
Innocent" Fuel

There are problems I've had. Ones I don't want to talk about. But I know I must. and I know there is only one place where I can put it and I know my parents won't find it. Here. I feel comfortable enough to write it here, because I doubt anyone really reads the dribble I put down and call writing.

I, in August, had a misscarriage. I was three months pregnant. I know it's not my fault, but I can't even talk about it without feeling like it is. The few I do talk to about it with say it wasn't ment to be. But I feel like it's my fault because I got sick. I had to take this fucking medication and I lost my child. Three weeks after I told Chris too. This is when I know that my fate it playing the knife game and missed.
What can I do? I've mourned. I've yelled,and I've been angry. I've got to move on. But I can't. I can't forgive myself, and I can't move on from that point. I live happily but I still remember. I still remember the pain and the anger. I remeber falling to my knees infront of John weeping. The one time John Leonard showed compassion on my behalf.

As part of my healing I was told to write to the child. I hope I can, without too much pain

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I wasn't ready
I'm sorry I got so sick
I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you
and I'm sorry you had to suffer like that.
I never ment to cause you harm.
I never ment to cause you pain.
I never ment to leave you
I never ment to lose you
I wanted you more than anything.
Things may have been tough
Things may not have always have been perfect
But I would have done my best.
I don't know how to be a mother, but I know I could learn.
I love you now, and I know your father loves you.
We do love you. We do miss you. We would've done what was nessasary for you. And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
I hope that one day, little soul, you can forgive me. And help me to forgive myself.
I was too young
I was too sick,
I was not ready.
But I am so sorry
Child that I have lost,
Forgive me

cheshiretear at 8:26

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