06 November, 2005

I think I'm better now

This is an expansion on my nervous breakdown and how I'm healing now


You know I always thought nervous breakdowns were for those who had reached their middle ages, had thousand dollars in debt, found out that the son was worshiping a napkin, their spouse was leading a double life, and whos boss was making sexual advances (while their boss is of the same gender as them and twenty years older).

I guess not.

They happend to 17year olds. This seventeen year old who needs
~ to find scholarships to college
~ apply to said colleges
~ keep a 3.0 GPA,
~ keep her shit hole job,
~ find a new job (preferably not in a shit hole like AMC),
~ keep involved with all her extracirricular activities on Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, and Thursday,
~ keep a healthy social life,
~ write to friends,
~ mend broken relationships with friends,
~ mantian a happy healthy relationship with fiancee,
~ handle being out sick for two days, ~ deal with being paid only 60.00 for two weeks worth of work,
~ make 113$ insurance payments
~ stay clean from cutting
~ Remember to take meds
~ Come to terms with her 18th birthday this saturday
~ Set up everything for SAT ACT CPT
~ Prepare self for gecko tattoo
~ Come to terms with her impending Graduation
~ Handle being 17 and anemic in a place that doesn't understand
~ and some where in there eat sleep and breathe

I never knew what a neverous break down was until the other day November 5.
Mom and I went to go get breakfast at McDonalds and they for some reason (maybe because they're BREAKFAST NAZIS!) stopped serving breakfast at 10:30 in Apopka when in Mount Dora it's 11. They didn't have any breakfast, we went to two diffrent places. No dice. And suddenly, my eyes filled up with tears and I began to SOB. Any one who knows me, knows I'm hard to crack, but when it happens, no one can stop it. Mom pulled over and asked me what was wrong, I started to tell her and then suddenly began to pull my hair out and scream.
I don't have enough time for anything. Chantelle yells at me for not getting out, and not spending time doing anything except work, school work, and Chris. I don't have any time for anything. She wants me to have a socail life. I can't do anything. I don't have time.

I don't have time to enjoy my senior year. I want to enjoy my last year of high school. This is the final chapter. This is ending. I want to enjoy, but I'm not, I'm working, and I'm stressing. I'm not enjoying life, I'm trying to stay awake in class, I'm trying to understand what is going on in class. I'm dealing with rich bitches who want to call my mother a lesbian. They want to call me a bitch, they want to start shit with me. At least I have my real nose and I can pick my way through LATIN. HA! Bitch

You know? I want to be able to laugh and go to foot ball games. I want to help my Chef out at diners with out having to con my shifts off on some one else.


I really want to celebrate being clean from cutting for almost three whole years. I've really turned my life around. I'm not trying to block anythign out anymore. I'm healthier now. I'm happier. I'm glad to be alive.

I want to enjoy getting my gecko tattoo but I've thought about not getting her at all. I didn't know what was wrong with me. But I'm coming out of it.
In my religon the gecko symbolize overcoming strife. I think I have.
Even as I type this. I want my gecko more. I feel better.

I hope that I can always remeber the geckos.
I can't believe this funk.
It took away my drive. But it's coming back. I"m wanting to write, to draw to pain, to sing I'm wanting it all back.

I think I'm better now

Mery

cheshiretear at 10:49

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